10. Champion Gundyr
This fight reminds me of my brother a lot. This big ol' somehow living statue is a fan of charging you down and curbstomping you in the jaw a lot of times before going linebacker on you and making you a part of the earth again. Champion isn't too hard, but is still dangerous non the less.
Champion Gundyr hits very hard, no doubt about it, but if you are good at utalizing your invincibility frames and keep it up, then he will struggle. make sure to not try and be more aggressive than him, because he will promptly gut kick you and then slam you into the ground.
9. Artorias, The Abyss Walker
Among my favorite bosses. Artorias isn't shy about leaping into the air and slamming your punk-ass into the earth and chopping you up like a filet for his disabled dog. Artorias is exclusive to the Artorias of the Abyss DLC. Artorias lost his shield (I forget why) so he will instead beat the hell out of you with a greatsword.
Since he has a cripled arm (or so I heard) now is the perfect time to do whatever you want to him because he won't be able to fend off your sexual advances. But as you move in for some fun, so find that it was just a trick so he could reel you in and knock ya flat, beware!
8. Lorian, Elder Prince and Lothric, Younger Prince
This boss reminds me of me and my brother. We are twins (Not identical), but I am the lazy one who will let him do all of the work, but I am not the smaller one and he is a pussy sometimes; so I will take the greatsword thank you very much. Lorian the Older Prince will eventually die (Assuming you are doing damage to him) and his Younger Brother will do some magic and trigger my Hemwick PTSD as the Older Brother gets revived and slams me around in spectacular fashion.
My bro and I would look like a horrible parody of Twin Princes, because he would bitch about my position on his back and demand that I get off. Also because grunge and preppy don't go well togethor. Also because my brother can't teleport, sadly... Maybe he will someday....
7. Orphan of Kos
(insert vagina and period jokes *here*)
The Orphan of Kos is a really cool boss. I wouldn't really call this should-be-stillborn kid a boss, as an ordeal is more suitable. First time I fought this slut, I was like "Hey, Faggot? Wanna gtfo of here and kill yourself so I can finish the DLC?" but he did not appreciate the words of advice and kinda went Eric Cartman on me and killed me where I stood.
But then I came back after a 2nd death and mercilessly beat him to death with minimum damage. I was proud dispite remembering my past self flying through the air and landing in the mud only to be continuously beaten with the prodigy of death's slice of period meat.
6. Darkeater Midir
Midir is a common piece of shit and I would love to just sodomize him with a great hammer, but that won't happen, because you can't get within 100 feet of him without him making you pump 20 gallons of adreneline per milisecond to the point that your heart bursts out of your ribcage, Mortal Kombat X style. Darkeater Midir not only eats the beings of the Abyss but also your hopes and dreams and then your mothers ass, but not exackly in that order. Darkeater Midir also has a bad habit of combining his fire breath with dark damage and creating more bullshit damage types than Nue from Nioh.
Darkeater Midir is also bigger than I initially imagined, but we are small to him (and that's a lesson in perspective boys and girls.) If you think that you will beat this boss easily, then Darkeater Midir will hit you with the strength equal to a runaway subway, I know that it goes without saying that he hits hard but I just wanted to double down on it with some generalization, you may have noticed...
Your also gonna want to hit his head and not anywhere else because if you don't hit his head, you will be in that fight for 30 minutes which feels like years when in a boss fight. Make sure to do damage to this boss however, so he dies.
5. Nameless King
I can't tell you how many times I try to write "Nameless King" but almost write "Lancer" instead. The fact that this guy has so much influence over my words is infuriating.
The Nameless KING, comes in like a beast riding what looks like the result of a chicken being raped by a Wyvern. How would that go? The dragons dick would crush the chicken in mere seconds. The King of Storms is easy enough, but after you go souless sif slayer on the self procaimed King of Storms, the KING will get off his chicken and mercy kill it like I did to my grandmother. good times.
When The Nameless Lancer, dammit, gets off the bird and kills it in a very swift way that totally doesn't take up the entire cutscene, he will cast wind and lightning spells to beat you from a distance.
4. Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower
This is an awesome fight for sure, but it fails to be very taxing. Some say that Maria has what it takes to kill Zacky, but evidence of this is difficult to find, as this woman has never killed me. After a while, she will use blood and then fire+blood to kill you, kinda like every other person in Bloodborne. In Yharnam, everyone attacks eachother with their blood because everyone is a fuckin' lunatic.
Lady Maria doesn't take bullets to the face very well so that is an extra accomidating part of this fight. Don't let her viceral attack you though because instead of doing big damage, she will whisper somethng suggestive in your ear kinda like "Hey baby, wanna party?" and drop you after your refuse to pay for the good ol' time that she tried to offer you. She also doesn't have high poise which makes it even easier to send her to a battered womens shelter. After your done going Chris Brown on Maria and she is nice and bruised up, she will fall to her knees and reach up at the sky before she explodes kinda like her boyfriend or #1 client; Gehrman... (if you know what I mean)
3. Slave Knight Gael
Gael has a habit of jumping over you and turning upside-down, kinda like A$AP Mob and VSVP. Slave Knight was a frail old man in the Ashes of Adrainel DLC, but he apparently consumed the Dark Soul and is now a bigger old man who will kinda beat the hell out of you.
2. Soul of Cinder
The Soul of Cinder has a bad habit of juggling Ashen Ones like I do biting my nails. This fight can take a long time and you need to close out the first phase quickly, so it's time to sieze the day or die regretting the time you lost. (There goes my self respect, it died for Lancer's sins)
The Soul of Cinder will channel the powers and generic bullshit moveset of Gywn, the First Lord of Cinder and will continuously slam you around until you seriously consider inhalling the vapors of burning tires.
1. Farron's Undead Legion, The Abyss Watchers
Who else? Right? The Undead Army of Farron will happily position themselves up your ass and not get out until you have joined the kinky pile of bodies. I know they are men, but I can work with that. :)
The Abyss Watchers second phase will see the Lord of Cinder going full ape shit and will sometimes unleash my favorite combo in all of gaming on you. This is the coolest boss in all of Soulsborne by a clear thousand miles and I will defend the honor of the Undead Farron Army until my fingers are reduced to blood stumps at my knuckles.